My hand turned me down
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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