it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
