i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
