Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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