so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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