Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
