Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
