Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
