My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have aggressive nipples.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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