Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
