I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
