i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
