there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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