i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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