ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
