My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize