John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
