Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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