She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
