DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
