What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
