My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
