I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
