So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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