the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
