BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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