i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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