I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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