hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
