watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
