It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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