I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
