and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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