What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
