Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
