i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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