Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
