he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
