my phone needs a breathalizer
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
