What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
