I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's a Shit stain on my heart
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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