we have officially lost it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
