So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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