my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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