Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
