Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
