They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
