I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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