Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
