maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize