I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
