my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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