You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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