I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
