im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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