It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
