I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
