My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
