I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
