i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
